Handling Tantrums

I wrote this in a half hour for Maia's pre-school's newsletter (and since I didn't find time to blog this week I am posting this. If you aren't a parent, don't bother reading it...it's a bit corny, I think) :
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If there is one thing I hate dealing with it’s when Maia goes into temper tantrum mode. I have to be so adult and collected when really I want to scream right back at her for being so “irrationally angry” about that candy-bar I’m not giving her, or the dress she’s not allowed to wear because it’s 8 degrees outside.

Of course, I know the steps I should be taking when my little one goes into this inaccessibility mode, however, it’s another story to apply these steps. In the past (before having my second child last year), I’ve been obsessive about researching parenting issues but sometimes I need a reminder. Lately I’ve been so exhausted from work, school and two small children, I’ve resorted to watching Super Nanny or Nanny 911 on TV instead of picking up a book. But hey, if they can tame those little monsters on the show within a week then they must be doing something right. If this isn’t all staged, that is. ;)

Anyway, I’m a perfect example of today’s modern (somewhat educated) parent. I mix and match all kinds of advice and the other day I actually applied a word of wisdom I heard from that English super nanny on TV.
The show featured one family, which included a mother just as stubborn as her little daughter. Instead of dealing with the strong-minded child’s emotions, the mother let her own high-strung feelings get in the way and would just lock the screaming kid in a room for a time-out. Granted, the child threw a cup of water at her mother to get this punishment, it still wasn’t the right approach to deal with the situation effectively. Somehow I identified. Maia can truly get me to a point at which I feel utterly powerless, my nerves almost at the edge. If it were the olden days I’d be spanking her all day long (just kidding, she’s not that bad…especially as she’s getting older). However, I am really glad that I am an educated parent, for it reminds me of the fact that I am dealing with a small child and not an adult. She lives in a different world.
So, when Maia began falling into a tantrum stage the other day, and I was about to sit her down on her time-out chair to cool off, I did one thing different (Super Nanny in the back of my mind;). Instead of leaving her to scream it out for a few minutes, I gave her two options. I said: “Maia, you can stay here in time-out to scream and cry or you can calm down and talk to me. What do you want to do?” She took a deep breath, controlled her outburst and told me straight-up: “Talk to me, please.”
I couldn’t believe she actually told me what I was supposed to read between the lines. I felt so guilty for almost ignoring her emotions and just having her scream it out. They want us to talk to them. To hug them. To listen to them. At least, Maia does.
And that’s what I did. I listened to her and I gave her alternatives to the things she could not have. I said: “Honey, you cannot come with me right now but you could play a computer game for a little bit, have some gum, and when I come back we’ll go to the park. Ok?” This schedule update seemed to work. She knew what was coming and it helped her cope with the fact that she could not come with me at that moment.
Then I gave her a big hug and a kiss and I could feel her appreciation for this affectionate behavior even though we had just been bumping our heads. She knows I love her even when I’m angry and I tell her all the time.