so, I'm reading this book "Getting the Love You Want" by this star therapist (H.Hendrix), which by the way is possibly the best example for the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" -> I mean, by giving the book such a desperate title, they already lose the entire male readership, and I must tell you, if my mother (who is a family therapist) wouldn't have strongly recommended this book (and the therapy method it discusses), I would have never even taken it off the shelf.
So, I am going through quite some embarrassing maneuveurs trying to hide the title when I pull out the book in public. People might think I'm reading porn or something ...that's how secretive I take the book out of my bag...always careful to hide the cover.
Anyway, I just wanted to write down a few interesting concepts Hendrix brings up in his apparently very successful therapy method (Imago Relationship Therapy).
One, which I found most intriguing is the analysis that when we avoid our partners (with all kinds of excuses) we unconsciously avoid anxiety. But not just any kind of anxiety. Let me quote, for I am really bad at this whole paraphrasing sh*t:
"The other reason couples avoid intimacy is fear, specifically the fear of pain. On an unconscious level, many people react to their partners as if they were enemies. Any person - whether parent or partner or next-door neighbor - who is perceived by the old brain to be a source of need gratification and then appears to be withholding that gratification is cataloged by the old brain as a source of pain, and that raises the specter of death. If your partner does not nurture you and attend to your fundamental needs, a part of you fears that you will die, and it believes that your partner is the one who is allowing this to happen.
[...] In most cases the fear of the partner is unconscious. All that couples are aware of is a mild feeling of anxiety around each other and a desire to be with other people or to be involved in other activities." (p. 109)
He mentions that we have to train our brains to deal with change. When our relationships change and we are required to adapt and assume new roles we feel like we're losing our personality (i.e. we think we're dying). What we have to realize is that there are different stages in life, which sometimes require us to change our behaviors and habits. Change isn't necessarily negative (it is so subjective and temporary). Change means we are growing...
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
bitching just to bitch
so I've been sucked into Dario's house-hunting fever for a few weeks and only recently came back to my senses. what is it with me? this man ...or this relationship...has really had much more influence over my persona than I'd like to admit. our partners hold a not always tangible but quite effective power over us and vice versa, of course.
didn't I only a few months ago despise the idea of having a house? all the extra work, extra costs, and the whole commuting thing... I hate commuting...at least, when there is traffic...and let's face it ...there is always f'ing traffic. why am I so eager to leave the city to start my conservative life.... family with house, two kids and two cars.... I'm 30 years old...am I supposed to be doing this sh*t already? I'll be "old" in two seconds....
and what makes me think that Dario will suddenly change his habits and become super-husband ...or at least traditional-husband, who comes home after work to continue working on and around the house (as opposed to playing videogames online for the rest of the evening ..... can you tell I'm a bit sensitive on the subject at the moment).
It took Dario about a year to put up the curtain rods. The ceiling fan still isn't assembled (and we've moved in 2 years ago)....and just in general - any request I have takes him about 4-52 weeks (on average) to complete. And God forbid, I try to take things into my own hands. For example, the picture shelves I finally put up by the entrance wall. I had been waiting for months and so one day I said "f-it. I'm goin' in". The next day, I catch Dario reinstalling the shelves behind my back. Apparently, I didn't use the level or something.
anyway, I'm just bitching to bitch tonight.
I really just want to go out and get stoned (now that I FINALLY can -> not nursing, not pregnant, free free free:) but none of my friends are to be found. I was just gonna rollerblade around the block but then Dario decided he needed to finally go visit his mother (after many weeks of not doing so).....thus, I am now stuck at home....the usual.
Time to put Maia to sleep. She's a cute one, though. I ought to write down the things she says nowadays.
...later.
didn't I only a few months ago despise the idea of having a house? all the extra work, extra costs, and the whole commuting thing... I hate commuting...at least, when there is traffic...and let's face it ...there is always f'ing traffic. why am I so eager to leave the city to start my conservative life.... family with house, two kids and two cars.... I'm 30 years old...am I supposed to be doing this sh*t already? I'll be "old" in two seconds....
and what makes me think that Dario will suddenly change his habits and become super-husband ...or at least traditional-husband, who comes home after work to continue working on and around the house (as opposed to playing videogames online for the rest of the evening ..... can you tell I'm a bit sensitive on the subject at the moment).
It took Dario about a year to put up the curtain rods. The ceiling fan still isn't assembled (and we've moved in 2 years ago)....and just in general - any request I have takes him about 4-52 weeks (on average) to complete. And God forbid, I try to take things into my own hands. For example, the picture shelves I finally put up by the entrance wall. I had been waiting for months and so one day I said "f-it. I'm goin' in". The next day, I catch Dario reinstalling the shelves behind my back. Apparently, I didn't use the level or something.
anyway, I'm just bitching to bitch tonight.
I really just want to go out and get stoned (now that I FINALLY can -> not nursing, not pregnant, free free free:) but none of my friends are to be found. I was just gonna rollerblade around the block but then Dario decided he needed to finally go visit his mother (after many weeks of not doing so).....thus, I am now stuck at home....the usual.
Time to put Maia to sleep. She's a cute one, though. I ought to write down the things she says nowadays.
...later.
stereo-typical husband complaints and attempt to analyze
I'm not feeling well. I don't know how many times I said this sentence this evening but I sure know how many times it was ignored. Every single time.
I mean, what is it? Do I really need to walk in the door and say I am feeling bad and I ain't doing sh*t tonight. So, don't even come ask me? ... well, I suppose, I could make it a bit more diplomatic and still equally direct but WHY? Isn't it enough to say "I am not feeling well" (about 10-15 times)?
Anyway, it was ignored. No why-s, no what-do-you-need, no let-me-take-care-of-the-kids-tonight.
Is it that we are so used to hearing each other complain that we just tune it out... almost like a self-defense-mechanism? Complaining about our daily chores is about just as effective as putting on the guilt-trip or playing the blame-game. It's just destructive.
But I try to control such behavior ... and tonight was a legitimate request for help. Why do I have to spell it out? I don't want to do this.
I want the man on my side to be receptive enough...to be sensitive enough... to take charge....to ....ahhh what am I saying.... there is no perfect man. It's either this or single..... and I must say...single is sounding pretty good to me lately.
I am just getting to a new phase of being annoyed by unorganized, videogames-playing, laundry-producing, buying-crap-on-ebay (1968 MonteCarlo without seats!??!), never-listening-to-anything-I-say husband-behavior.
I mean, what is it? Do I really need to walk in the door and say I am feeling bad and I ain't doing sh*t tonight. So, don't even come ask me? ... well, I suppose, I could make it a bit more diplomatic and still equally direct but WHY? Isn't it enough to say "I am not feeling well" (about 10-15 times)?
Anyway, it was ignored. No why-s, no what-do-you-need, no let-me-take-care-of-the-kids-tonight.
Is it that we are so used to hearing each other complain that we just tune it out... almost like a self-defense-mechanism? Complaining about our daily chores is about just as effective as putting on the guilt-trip or playing the blame-game. It's just destructive.
But I try to control such behavior ... and tonight was a legitimate request for help. Why do I have to spell it out? I don't want to do this.
I want the man on my side to be receptive enough...to be sensitive enough... to take charge....to ....ahhh what am I saying.... there is no perfect man. It's either this or single..... and I must say...single is sounding pretty good to me lately.
I am just getting to a new phase of being annoyed by unorganized, videogames-playing, laundry-producing, buying-crap-on-ebay (1968 MonteCarlo without seats!??!), never-listening-to-anything-I-say husband-behavior.
Monday, July 11, 2005
whatever happened to emancipation?
you know it's a shame that I get back online (after having been cut off) just when I've finally worked through the past few days of being really upset about the London bombings only to bitch about Beyonce's (or Destiny's Child's) new song in which the chorus goes something like this:
baby, let me bring me your slippers, make your dinner, take of your clothes,comb your hair and so much more... baby let me take care of you...my life is in your hands....and so much more..
What kind of bullshit role-modelling is this? Pop-stars need to realize the power they have over the minds of their young audiences.
... listen to me..I must be getting old.... (I still like 50-cent, though...I just ignore the cursing and focus on the sexy ;)
ok. have to get back to work.
baby, let me bring me your slippers, make your dinner, take of your clothes,comb your hair and so much more... baby let me take care of you...my life is in your hands....and so much more..
What kind of bullshit role-modelling is this? Pop-stars need to realize the power they have over the minds of their young audiences.
... listen to me..I must be getting old.... (I still like 50-cent, though...I just ignore the cursing and focus on the sexy ;)
ok. have to get back to work.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
It’s because you’re white
Today I got my daughter signed into a summer program of a pre-school Rosa had been trying to get her son into for months. They have been causing her great pain with all their strict policies and no-exceptions administration. Since the child care center is part of a CUNY college, they usually only accept students within their system. When Maia’s usual daycare center unexpectedly cancelled the summer session, I took a chance and gave them a call. On their website it said that in the summer months they’d maybe make an exception and take students from other CUNY colleges, if there is space.
Rosa is now totally pissed. She had been on the waiting list for a year or more. When she tried to register for a class at the school they were giving her hell because she couldn’t produce every transcript from every single school she ever went to. The fact that she graduated from Fordham (i.e. has transcripts and degree) didn't seem to matter. They wanted everything before they’d let her sign up for a class… and policy at the daycare center is that the child’s parent is a student at the college.
She was so mad that it took me only a phone call and a few easy documents that she swore they let me in because I’m white. And that comment just really pissed me off. First of all, I might look white but I don’t like to be thrown into a pot. I’m a half Arab raised Muslim in a country which is 98% Catholic (Austria), moved from there straight to the Bronx where I once again was the only outsider in a sea of Latinos. So, don’t tell me about discrimination or privilege. I know it when it hits me. I’ve been discriminated against many times. The reason I dyed my hair from blonde to black after moving here, was so that I could finally fit in better. And I can tell you, the way people treated me improved tremendously.
I hate fucking racism. I hate getting or not getting anything because of what I might look like. Of course, I’ve also experienced the other side of this story, where I had a strong feeling I got a break because I look/am Caucasian and the other person is, too.
This is a loaded argument and so it was for us fighting it out all evening but Rosa sounds more White-American (and she is Puerto Rican) than I do. She grew up here, went to Fordham, …her pronunciation is accent-free, …. As opposed to mine; People often think I am Latino (over the phone) because that’s the accent I picked up after coming here. I moved straight into the Bronx… and for a long time I sounded really freakin’ street. I can control this better now… mostly because I have broadened my circle of friends and am more aware of my diction but before I used to always fool people over the phone. I could see the surprise in their faces when they’d meet me after only having spoken to me on the phone.
This is what happened in this situation. I called them (the child care center) first. So, if anything, she might have given me a break because I sounded like a fellow-Latino…. But, truly, I don’t think any of this racial crap was an issue. Yes, I often am too idealistic but not everything is an issue of discrimination… especially not in New York City.
I am not trying to say there is no discrimination here. I have plenty of black friends who can sing me a song of this but you can’t throw this explanation at every situation which you find irrational or unfair. Sometimes it is just that. Irrational or unfair. Like my temporary admission to the summer session. The girl I spoke to seemed scatter-brained and somehow I got lucky. It is only the summer and they even say on their website that things are a bit more lenient during those sessions.
Rosa telling me this, was like telling a black person that they only got the job they applied for because they’re black (->Affirmative Action). That sh*t pisses me off, too. I just think, this just doesn’t apply anymore….OK, maybe elsewhere in this country ...but not in NYC…... or does it??
Rosa is now totally pissed. She had been on the waiting list for a year or more. When she tried to register for a class at the school they were giving her hell because she couldn’t produce every transcript from every single school she ever went to. The fact that she graduated from Fordham (i.e. has transcripts and degree) didn't seem to matter. They wanted everything before they’d let her sign up for a class… and policy at the daycare center is that the child’s parent is a student at the college.
She was so mad that it took me only a phone call and a few easy documents that she swore they let me in because I’m white. And that comment just really pissed me off. First of all, I might look white but I don’t like to be thrown into a pot. I’m a half Arab raised Muslim in a country which is 98% Catholic (Austria), moved from there straight to the Bronx where I once again was the only outsider in a sea of Latinos. So, don’t tell me about discrimination or privilege. I know it when it hits me. I’ve been discriminated against many times. The reason I dyed my hair from blonde to black after moving here, was so that I could finally fit in better. And I can tell you, the way people treated me improved tremendously.
I hate fucking racism. I hate getting or not getting anything because of what I might look like. Of course, I’ve also experienced the other side of this story, where I had a strong feeling I got a break because I look/am Caucasian and the other person is, too.
This is a loaded argument and so it was for us fighting it out all evening but Rosa sounds more White-American (and she is Puerto Rican) than I do. She grew up here, went to Fordham, …her pronunciation is accent-free, …. As opposed to mine; People often think I am Latino (over the phone) because that’s the accent I picked up after coming here. I moved straight into the Bronx… and for a long time I sounded really freakin’ street. I can control this better now… mostly because I have broadened my circle of friends and am more aware of my diction but before I used to always fool people over the phone. I could see the surprise in their faces when they’d meet me after only having spoken to me on the phone.
This is what happened in this situation. I called them (the child care center) first. So, if anything, she might have given me a break because I sounded like a fellow-Latino…. But, truly, I don’t think any of this racial crap was an issue. Yes, I often am too idealistic but not everything is an issue of discrimination… especially not in New York City.
I am not trying to say there is no discrimination here. I have plenty of black friends who can sing me a song of this but you can’t throw this explanation at every situation which you find irrational or unfair. Sometimes it is just that. Irrational or unfair. Like my temporary admission to the summer session. The girl I spoke to seemed scatter-brained and somehow I got lucky. It is only the summer and they even say on their website that things are a bit more lenient during those sessions.
Rosa telling me this, was like telling a black person that they only got the job they applied for because they’re black (->Affirmative Action). That sh*t pisses me off, too. I just think, this just doesn’t apply anymore….OK, maybe elsewhere in this country ...but not in NYC…... or does it??
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
you know you're tired when...
know you're tired when...
- you put hairgel on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste (I now keep those tubes separate...who uses hairgel anymore, anyway.).
- you put two plates on the table because you've toasted two pieces of bread.
- you talk into your walkie-talkie without pressing the button and then wonder for like a minute or two why the other person doesn't respond to you.
- you can't respond to simple question with answers related to the topic:
e.g.: question: Are you done with the sub-pages of the webreport?
answer: yeah, I press this button over here.
..to be continued when have more sleep
- you put hairgel on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste (I now keep those tubes separate...who uses hairgel anymore, anyway.).
- you put two plates on the table because you've toasted two pieces of bread.
- you talk into your walkie-talkie without pressing the button and then wonder for like a minute or two why the other person doesn't respond to you.
- you can't respond to simple question with answers related to the topic:
e.g.: question: Are you done with the sub-pages of the webreport?
answer: yeah, I press this button over here.
..to be continued when have more sleep
Friday, July 01, 2005
where am I?
In case you've been wondering where the hell I've been ... I have been working on my photoblog(s). I'm only in the beginning phases but feel free to take a peek :)
http://newyork.blogphotography.com
Besides that, I've been working, and going to movies (well...really, ...only 1 movie since my last blog entry ...-> War of The Worlds ... very entertaining [if you can call the destruction of earth and all human life just that], adrenaline high at all times, and sickenigly but much needed happy ending. I dreamt all night of trying to evacuate my family from my building. Dario kept on going back because he forgot to put on pants or some sh*t like that and I kept on yelling at him...is this worth your potential death?)
I just got stuck in parentheses up there...so I wanted to get out of it before I sign off for today.
D and I are off today ... so we're hitting the MoMa. They're back in midtown. 20 bucks to enter...but as CUNY students (well, in posession of student i.d.s) we get in for free. :)
oh shoot, and I need to get some tranquilizers for the dog (July 4th is nearing...and he's already freaking out about all the pre-fireworks). I called the vet and they are making it mighty difficult for me to get just a few pills.... geez, it's easier to buy weed on the corner and get him to relax that way. But after last year's episode I'm not inclined towards any such adventures again.
Did I blog that? ...no, I wasn't even online, yet...was I? ... well, that's another story anyway.
http://newyork.blogphotography.com
Besides that, I've been working, and going to movies (well...really, ...only 1 movie since my last blog entry ...-> War of The Worlds ... very entertaining [if you can call the destruction of earth and all human life just that], adrenaline high at all times, and sickenigly but much needed happy ending. I dreamt all night of trying to evacuate my family from my building. Dario kept on going back because he forgot to put on pants or some sh*t like that and I kept on yelling at him...is this worth your potential death?)
I just got stuck in parentheses up there...so I wanted to get out of it before I sign off for today.
D and I are off today ... so we're hitting the MoMa. They're back in midtown. 20 bucks to enter...but as CUNY students (well, in posession of student i.d.s) we get in for free. :)
oh shoot, and I need to get some tranquilizers for the dog (July 4th is nearing...and he's already freaking out about all the pre-fireworks). I called the vet and they are making it mighty difficult for me to get just a few pills.... geez, it's easier to buy weed on the corner and get him to relax that way. But after last year's episode I'm not inclined towards any such adventures again.
Did I blog that? ...no, I wasn't even online, yet...was I? ... well, that's another story anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
