I have supported D in a lot of decisions and rough patches in our lives together. I have made sacrifices and I've done stuff I wouldn't do just because I love him.
But we are at a new stage.
I don't want to be the sucker anymore.
I've spent years now being alone with the kid(s) after full days of work because he was taking extra-long to finish school. I have been looking forward to the beginning of this year with great anticipation, for Dario had finally finished with his last class and was about to graduate (i.e. no more long, lonely and work-intense evenings but parenting team-work as it was initially planned.)
When Dario threatened to leave me if I don't give him children I told him very clearly how I felt.
I did want to have children but I was in no rush. Early 30s or so would have been fine for me. I'm a realist and I observe well. I knew that having kids meant the end of my own life as I liked it (filled with interesting activities). I told him we were too young but he insisted.
So, I gave in.
And not that I am unhappy to have kids. I love my girls to death but it is hard work (at least now that they're still so small) and D is just not living up to his part of the deal as much as I would like it.
I've slipped into the traditional wife-role without noticing. I cook (well, sometimes), I clean, take care of the kids, I manage the household, and I bitch. It seemed inevitable...
Anyway, .. now he just started his own business and as one can imagine this means many many hours of overtime (i.e. once again many long evenings and, in addition, weekends of me playing single parent). If I wouldn't work full-time this might be a bit easier to handle but not this way.
I resent him for his absence. So, when he then comes home late, having missed me, being nice, etc. I have a very hard time to return the feelings.
In my opinion, this isn't the right time for him to start a business. He has two little children and a full-time job. He seems to underestimate the amount of work this will require of him. There will be no more family-time for him.
When I asked my (single, mind you!) friends, they all thought I should be supportive and stop bitching. I was in shock. How could they give me such advice? I mean, it's what I need to hear to make it through this without leaving D, but as strong, emancipated women of the 21st century, how could they tell me to quit my job (i.e. give up my thing), stay home with the kids, and support D in his ambitions. In other words, I shouldn't be complaining.
I guess, I have too much testosterone in my system, for I am having a very hard time coping with this attitude and with this situation all together.
I don't see why I should give up my ambitions so he could realize his.
His are only about money and I give a shit about money. He wants to live better, make more money...
I DO NOT care! Of course, I want financial stability, and live normally (i.e. not in poverty, which considering the state of this world is probably what IS normal) but I don't care about money and I don't care about luxury. As an addition to my life ...ok ... but not in sacrifice of something else (in this case his presence at home).
I've always said it isn't important how much money you have. It doesn't give you happiness. I would never choose a man because he has a fancy car or has a fat salary. In fact, it's a bit deterring to me, for I associate this with cockiness but that's just a prejudice, I suppose, for I know a couple of men who have good paychecks and are still humble and sweet and not arrogant at all.
Ok. I really needed to vent.
How am I going to do this? ... What's the point of a family if one part is always missing in action.
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