alright .. i have decided to connect my blogs. .. i guess, since i don't work in an office environment anymore, i don't really feel as exposed anymore. of course, i'm still exposed in a way - despite the semi-anonymity - but it's not as bad as when you run into people you barely know at work and they know _everything_ about you, including all unfiltered, fleeting most inner thoughts.
here you go. this is where i moved to back in 2005 and now have begun reblogging on:
bitchingmama.blogspot.com
Friday, October 10, 2014
Friday, September 02, 2005
my last blog entry
I knew it; I shouldn't have shared my blog with people I know, for I feel inhibited writing about them. It's just indiscreet. Specially since some of the people who read this blog know the people I would be talking about. So, I leave it at this.
In the past week I have been accused of spoiling my child rotten (and I can't vent over this accusation on my blog, for it is being read by said person), I've been accused of sleeping with my friend's husband (WHAT??!! - we need to talk, girl...I'm deeply insulted.), someone I consider a very dear friend was commited to the hospital because he didn't sleep or eat for about 6 days or so (stress-related) and then became paranoid, thinking everyone is out to get him. This was horrible. I felt totally powerless in extending my help.
However, I can't write about any of this in detail, for I don't want to be indiscreet.
So, I think I am moving on and will open a new blog somewhere where nobody knows me (and the only people I will actually share it with will be some of my close friends in Austria - i.e. across the ocean ... no foreseeable discretion dilemmas.)
so long m'dear readers.
thanks for reading. and feel free to browse the blog for previous entries. they're rather time-less anyway. I kinda always tried to make each entry stand on its own.
If you want to see where I'm at you can look at my profile.
So, as a last entry I am posting this e-mail from my friend on the situation in New Orleans.
Hello everyone,
Well, here we are again with another disaster situation. I am here in Alabama watching the horrific toll that Katrina has taken on the Gulf coast. If this were a disaster movie, the plot would focus not on the East coast being decimated by some kind of rogue tidal wave, or the West coast being taken out by an earthquake that causes the entire state of California to drop into the Pacific, but instead the third coast of the US (that being the Gulf coast) being destroyed by a hurricane and a great American city being wiped out by flooding.
This is the United States of America and we have never had to deal with a refugee evacuation/shelter scenario before of hundreds of thousands of people. How is it that reporters from CNN, MSN and probably the foreign press are able to get to victims, when the relief agencies that should be doing that have not as yet done so? How is it that people are dying as I write this because they have had no food or water in days or they have not had adequate ventilation? How are corpses being placed in stairwells in hospitals becuase there is no place to put them? Why is it that the images of vicitms are nearly all black and elderly folk? Why is it still going to take till Monday for the military ships with supplies get to the gulf? Why was the priority shifted from evacuating people from New Orleans to taking care of the looters? WHERE ARE THE LOOTERS GOING WITH THE LOOT? Really!!!! People are despearate. If food, water and supplies are being taken...so what. I would probably do the same to save my family. No one is going to airlift them with a plasma tv....and if a person chooses to hold onto the plasma tv over being rescued...well they either choose life or not.
I do not know if I will be able to get back home easily. Gas prices in Atlanta are now $5 per gallon...and I hear that the tank needs to get filled up now for there is no guarantee the there will be any gas available in the next few days.
I hear that New Orleans knew that the levee system was in need of repair two years ago...apparently it was reported in the local papers there that funding from the federal gov't had been approved, unfortunately, the federal aid got re-routed to Iraq...for I guess a more important security issue. I can not confirm what was reported in the local papers...but wait till I email CNN to look into substantiating that rumor. How dare the director of FEMA imply that people chose to stay because they were stubborn. Yes, there was a mandatory evacuation order that he regrets not everybody followed and that he is not one to judge...but he did not understand why people were still there. Hello poverty!!! Most poor people can not drive to safe places and put themselves up into hotels till the storm passes.
Again and again I keep hearing that one of the biggest obstacles to coordinating rescue and relief is communication lines being non-existent. How can that be? 9/11 showed how important communication lines are. How can that be an issue again?
Any way...there are people dying right now....they are not in a third world country...they are here in the "greatest " country in the world. This is more fuel for my doom amd gloom scenarios that fire me up into working in the public health/disaster arena. I still can not sign up to help (they are now begging for medical personnel from other states) physically yet. My first responsibility are my sons. BUT...I can again give monetarily.
Till we meet again...God bless us all.
Mo
In the past week I have been accused of spoiling my child rotten (and I can't vent over this accusation on my blog, for it is being read by said person), I've been accused of sleeping with my friend's husband (WHAT??!! - we need to talk, girl...I'm deeply insulted.), someone I consider a very dear friend was commited to the hospital because he didn't sleep or eat for about 6 days or so (stress-related) and then became paranoid, thinking everyone is out to get him. This was horrible. I felt totally powerless in extending my help.
However, I can't write about any of this in detail, for I don't want to be indiscreet.
So, I think I am moving on and will open a new blog somewhere where nobody knows me (and the only people I will actually share it with will be some of my close friends in Austria - i.e. across the ocean ... no foreseeable discretion dilemmas.)
so long m'dear readers.
thanks for reading. and feel free to browse the blog for previous entries. they're rather time-less anyway. I kinda always tried to make each entry stand on its own.
If you want to see where I'm at you can look at my profile.
So, as a last entry I am posting this e-mail from my friend on the situation in New Orleans.
Hello everyone,
Well, here we are again with another disaster situation. I am here in Alabama watching the horrific toll that Katrina has taken on the Gulf coast. If this were a disaster movie, the plot would focus not on the East coast being decimated by some kind of rogue tidal wave, or the West coast being taken out by an earthquake that causes the entire state of California to drop into the Pacific, but instead the third coast of the US (that being the Gulf coast) being destroyed by a hurricane and a great American city being wiped out by flooding.
This is the United States of America and we have never had to deal with a refugee evacuation/shelter scenario before of hundreds of thousands of people. How is it that reporters from CNN, MSN and probably the foreign press are able to get to victims, when the relief agencies that should be doing that have not as yet done so? How is it that people are dying as I write this because they have had no food or water in days or they have not had adequate ventilation? How are corpses being placed in stairwells in hospitals becuase there is no place to put them? Why is it that the images of vicitms are nearly all black and elderly folk? Why is it still going to take till Monday for the military ships with supplies get to the gulf? Why was the priority shifted from evacuating people from New Orleans to taking care of the looters? WHERE ARE THE LOOTERS GOING WITH THE LOOT? Really!!!! People are despearate. If food, water and supplies are being taken...so what. I would probably do the same to save my family. No one is going to airlift them with a plasma tv....and if a person chooses to hold onto the plasma tv over being rescued...well they either choose life or not.
I do not know if I will be able to get back home easily. Gas prices in Atlanta are now $5 per gallon...and I hear that the tank needs to get filled up now for there is no guarantee the there will be any gas available in the next few days.
I hear that New Orleans knew that the levee system was in need of repair two years ago...apparently it was reported in the local papers there that funding from the federal gov't had been approved, unfortunately, the federal aid got re-routed to Iraq...for I guess a more important security issue. I can not confirm what was reported in the local papers...but wait till I email CNN to look into substantiating that rumor. How dare the director of FEMA imply that people chose to stay because they were stubborn. Yes, there was a mandatory evacuation order that he regrets not everybody followed and that he is not one to judge...but he did not understand why people were still there. Hello poverty!!! Most poor people can not drive to safe places and put themselves up into hotels till the storm passes.
Again and again I keep hearing that one of the biggest obstacles to coordinating rescue and relief is communication lines being non-existent. How can that be? 9/11 showed how important communication lines are. How can that be an issue again?
Any way...there are people dying right now....they are not in a third world country...they are here in the "greatest " country in the world. This is more fuel for my doom amd gloom scenarios that fire me up into working in the public health/disaster arena. I still can not sign up to help (they are now begging for medical personnel from other states) physically yet. My first responsibility are my sons. BUT...I can again give monetarily.
Till we meet again...God bless us all.
Mo
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
mama goes clubbing
so I went out to the Supper Club the other night..with Rosa, my very good friend Nadine and two of her girlfriends. I have been to all black clubs before(in fact, that's usually my kind of thing) but I think this was the first time that I was the only white girl in the place. Try not to be self-conscious about that. In addition to me paling in the shadow of my girlfriends I wasn't exactly dressed too stylishly. While everyone around me seemed to be wearing glittery shirts, jewelry and pumps, I couldn't find anything else in my closet than a combination of clothes which made me look like I'm heading to the beach and didn't want to mess up the good skirt. Good thing I started drinking, so this wasn't anything one drink couldn't fix (for those of you who don't know me...I never ever drank any alcohol until about a year ago). One diluted Pineapple Malibu, a couple of anonymous gropings later and I felt much better about myself. I remember the days when I used to swing at anyone who even tried to touch me without permission. After 10 years with the same man these days are over. ;) Now, someone touches me and I'm like "mhm...look I've been touched by ANOTHER man! :D." You go for the ass or the boobs (which really doesn't happen) I still will pop you in the eye, of course, but I've become much more lenient. After all, it looks like that's all I'm gonna get...since I find myself unable to cheat. But let's see...there is always room for growth. ;)
So, after a while I loosened up and started shakin' that booty (i.e. danced some..or lots).
When I finally took a break and sat down on the stairs around the dance floor, some guy holds his blackberry in front of me.
I: "what?"
he: "your number is missing."
I: "ah..of course. ..and what is your name?"
he: "Tony."
I: "Tony, there are two reasons I can't put my number in your phone.
1.) You are wayy too young for me. You are like a baby-boy."
he: "I'm 30 years old."
I: "no, you're not!"
he: "yes, I am"
I:"no, you're not."
he: "yes, I am."
I: "lemme see some i.d."
He pulls out his i.d. and it turns out he really is 30 years old. It also turns out that his name isn't Tony, it's Bruce.
I: "ehm,...Tony....if you are giving me your id you should probably try to remember that this will reveal the fact that you're lying about your name. Not a good way to start out."
he: "I was gonna give you my real name, if we would have started talking over the phone."
I: "if you're gonna pick a false name, at least pick something less corny. Tony....that's a bad player's name."
he: "...really? ...then.... Tyrone maybe?"
I:"ehww... no. worse. ...maybe something like Troy. That's a cool name."
he: (pondering) "Troy. ...like the movie."
I: "...ya ...the movie... (sigh)"
he: "so, can I have your number."
I: "no. and here goes reason number 2 (I should have probably prioritized differently;) : I'm married."
he: (pause) "I'm married, too."
I: "And you're rappin' to me? I should slap you upside down the head on behalf of your wife."
he: "hey, you're rappin' back."
I: (thinking: I think, I am.) saying: "no, I'm just responding to you as not to be rude."
he: "mhmm........ so can I have your number.... we could just be friends."
I: "yeah, right. ...thanks, but I have enough friends. And I'm sure your wife wouldn't appreciate me very much."
he: "I'm not really married. I just switched my ring over to this finger."
I: "I didn't want to say anything...but your ring looks like a pimp's ring...all flashy like that."
he: "ok, I'm going to try one more time...cuz I really enjoy talking to you. can I please have your number."
I: "ehm, no. ...besides our relationship already lacks in trust big time ;) ."
he: (sighs)
to which I gave him a big smile good-bye and made my way back to the dancefloor.
Unfortunately, the DJs of the night were quite annoying. They just couldn't shut up. Not a single song did they let play without them interrupting every 5 seconds (and I am NOT exxagerating here). As the night went on, they became more and more daring and at the end they were just playing songs like "lick that p*ssy, lick that cr*ck" ...and telling guys to shout out if any women "ever did some stupid sh*t" to them and "you just wanted to beat her up" to which they then played some song which had a chorus going something like this "f*ck that trick. f*ck that trick".
I was in shock that women were still dancing to this completely disrespectful sh*t. I mean, I like rap and hiphop, so I obviously can take a fair share of women-bashing, but there are some limits, no? At one point, I just can't take it with humour anymore. Were is your self-respect, ladies?
Speaking of which, ... what is happening to the FCC regulations? Not that I am a supporter but it's all kind of weird. This morning I'm driving in to work, my car-radio tuned to 105.1 (Rap, HipHop, R&B), and a commercial for some event comes on that ends with the sentence: "Get your a** over there ni**er" (hmm, how do I bleep out the word 'nigger'...shit, now I wrote it down...I just hate that word...and I'm not even black.... so I'm thinking...if I -- non-black, maybe still a bit old-fashioned -- take offense in this commercial, then what about every black person my age or older? ...well, I'm gonna ask some of my friends what they think...I'm curious.)
So, after a while I loosened up and started shakin' that booty (i.e. danced some..or lots).
When I finally took a break and sat down on the stairs around the dance floor, some guy holds his blackberry in front of me.
I: "what?"
he: "your number is missing."
I: "ah..of course. ..and what is your name?"
he: "Tony."
I: "Tony, there are two reasons I can't put my number in your phone.
1.) You are wayy too young for me. You are like a baby-boy."
he: "I'm 30 years old."
I: "no, you're not!"
he: "yes, I am"
I:"no, you're not."
he: "yes, I am."
I: "lemme see some i.d."
He pulls out his i.d. and it turns out he really is 30 years old. It also turns out that his name isn't Tony, it's Bruce.
I: "ehm,...Tony....if you are giving me your id you should probably try to remember that this will reveal the fact that you're lying about your name. Not a good way to start out."
he: "I was gonna give you my real name, if we would have started talking over the phone."
I: "if you're gonna pick a false name, at least pick something less corny. Tony....that's a bad player's name."
he: "...really? ...then.... Tyrone maybe?"
I:"ehww... no. worse. ...maybe something like Troy. That's a cool name."
he: (pondering) "Troy. ...like the movie."
I: "...ya ...the movie... (sigh)"
he: "so, can I have your number."
I: "no. and here goes reason number 2 (I should have probably prioritized differently;) : I'm married."
he: (pause) "I'm married, too."
I: "And you're rappin' to me? I should slap you upside down the head on behalf of your wife."
he: "hey, you're rappin' back."
I: (thinking: I think, I am.) saying: "no, I'm just responding to you as not to be rude."
he: "mhmm........ so can I have your number.... we could just be friends."
I: "yeah, right. ...thanks, but I have enough friends. And I'm sure your wife wouldn't appreciate me very much."
he: "I'm not really married. I just switched my ring over to this finger."
I: "I didn't want to say anything...but your ring looks like a pimp's ring...all flashy like that."
he: "ok, I'm going to try one more time...cuz I really enjoy talking to you. can I please have your number."
I: "ehm, no. ...besides our relationship already lacks in trust big time ;) ."
he: (sighs)
to which I gave him a big smile good-bye and made my way back to the dancefloor.
Unfortunately, the DJs of the night were quite annoying. They just couldn't shut up. Not a single song did they let play without them interrupting every 5 seconds (and I am NOT exxagerating here). As the night went on, they became more and more daring and at the end they were just playing songs like "lick that p*ssy, lick that cr*ck" ...and telling guys to shout out if any women "ever did some stupid sh*t" to them and "you just wanted to beat her up" to which they then played some song which had a chorus going something like this "f*ck that trick. f*ck that trick".
I was in shock that women were still dancing to this completely disrespectful sh*t. I mean, I like rap and hiphop, so I obviously can take a fair share of women-bashing, but there are some limits, no? At one point, I just can't take it with humour anymore. Were is your self-respect, ladies?
Speaking of which, ... what is happening to the FCC regulations? Not that I am a supporter but it's all kind of weird. This morning I'm driving in to work, my car-radio tuned to 105.1 (Rap, HipHop, R&B), and a commercial for some event comes on that ends with the sentence: "Get your a** over there ni**er" (hmm, how do I bleep out the word 'nigger'...shit, now I wrote it down...I just hate that word...and I'm not even black.... so I'm thinking...if I -- non-black, maybe still a bit old-fashioned -- take offense in this commercial, then what about every black person my age or older? ...well, I'm gonna ask some of my friends what they think...I'm curious.)
Thursday, August 18, 2005
undercover come-on
so, I 'm walking the dog and this car pulls over next to me. some guy trying to talk to me sort of cruises at my speed of walking.
guy: can I just tell you ...you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
me: (internal hysterical laugh about stupid come-on line) ...- looking at him with a frown
guy: (probably sensing my discomfort of being hit on from someone inside a car) don't worry...I am a police-man...
me: is this your idea of under-cover work? You disclose your identity to talk to a woman?
guy: can I ask you if I could give you my number?
me: thanks, but no thanks. I'm married. (to which he just bowed his head, blabbered something into his walkie-talkie and sped off).
guy: can I just tell you ...you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
me: (internal hysterical laugh about stupid come-on line) ...- looking at him with a frown
guy: (probably sensing my discomfort of being hit on from someone inside a car) don't worry...I am a police-man...
me: is this your idea of under-cover work? You disclose your identity to talk to a woman?
guy: can I ask you if I could give you my number?
me: thanks, but no thanks. I'm married. (to which he just bowed his head, blabbered something into his walkie-talkie and sped off).
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
is my writing that bad?
so, I'm writing a mail from my g-mail account...and you know how google has those ads that show up on the side with information pertaining to what you're writing?
So, today I look over this is what I got:
Sponsored Links
English Grammar
Get Help with English—
Find Answers to English
Homework Questions Here.
reference.aol.com
The perfect grammar tool
Fix all writing problems
Analyze the entire text
whitesmoke.com
I'm insulted. By an automated ad.
(technically, I should be saying "I've been insulted." ...so maybe I need the damn grammar check tool after all).
So, today I look over this is what I got:
Sponsored Links
English Grammar
Get Help with English—
Find Answers to English
Homework Questions Here.
reference.aol.com
The perfect grammar tool
Fix all writing problems
Analyze the entire text
whitesmoke.com
I'm insulted. By an automated ad.
(technically, I should be saying "I've been insulted." ...so maybe I need the damn grammar check tool after all).
Monday, August 15, 2005
I love daddy more
good thing I am not taking this too seriously, yet...or maybe I'm just in denial but this morning Maia woke up, climbed on top of her father and said: Daddy I love you soooo much.
Still half-asleep I tapped her on the shoulder: Excuse me, ...and how about mommy? Do you love mommy, too?
Yes, she said, but I love daddy more.
ouch. After picking up the pieces of my broken heart (just kidding), I asked and why is it that you love daddy more?
Because Daddy makes me all these nice things and you never cook anything, she responded.
(O-U-C-H.)
I do, too, I said, I cook for you. I make spaghetti and egg-omelette, and turkey & rice, and ...macaroni and cheese... Just not lately.
I want macaroni and cheese for breakfast, she said.
I'm not making mac and cheese now. It's too early, I said.
Still half-asleep I tapped her on the shoulder: Excuse me, ...and how about mommy? Do you love mommy, too?
Yes, she said, but I love daddy more.
ouch. After picking up the pieces of my broken heart (just kidding), I asked and why is it that you love daddy more?
Because Daddy makes me all these nice things and you never cook anything, she responded.
(O-U-C-H.)
I do, too, I said, I cook for you. I make spaghetti and egg-omelette, and turkey & rice, and ...macaroni and cheese... Just not lately.
I want macaroni and cheese for breakfast, she said.
I'm not making mac and cheese now. It's too early, I said.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
my 3-year-old's idea of a perfect moment
My 3-year old is turning into an indoor child and I can't handle it. More than once did she now tell me she doesn't want to go outside. In the morning she sounds like her dad when she tells me to close the curtains because the sun is bothering her. But the moment I realized she is becoming a city kid snuck up on me yesterday at the end of her bedtime routine. Her latest excuse for getting up again after the lights have been turned off is that she is scared. Sometimes she is honest and you just hear a loud sigh and her groaning out of the darkness of her room "aarghhh. ....Mooom!...sleeping is boooring!"
Anyway, so yesterday while tucking her into bed I tried to get ahead of her I'm-scared-excuse and told her to close her eyes and imagine something beautiful.
me: imagine a beautiful thing. what's something really beautiful for you?
maia: (thinks) ... "TV," she finally says smiling happily, "and milk."
me: (country girl in shock) TV??!!
maia: yes, ...TV with milk...and pancakes on top of the TV (to make it even more better).
me: we gotta get you outside more often.
maia: I don't wanna go outside.
me: sigh. (with inner turmoil)
I am from Austria. I basically spent my entire youth outdoors. My favorite place were the woods. I climbed everything - climbable or not. I was dirty most of the time and I think I wore a dress once. ... Rosa keeps on asking me what's so bad about staying inside. ...I can't say. It's a life-style. ...And I truly believe children should be outside everyday.
Anyway, so yesterday while tucking her into bed I tried to get ahead of her I'm-scared-excuse and told her to close her eyes and imagine something beautiful.
me: imagine a beautiful thing. what's something really beautiful for you?
maia: (thinks) ... "TV," she finally says smiling happily, "and milk."
me: (country girl in shock) TV??!!
maia: yes, ...TV with milk...and pancakes on top of the TV (to make it even more better).
me: we gotta get you outside more often.
maia: I don't wanna go outside.
me: sigh. (with inner turmoil)
I am from Austria. I basically spent my entire youth outdoors. My favorite place were the woods. I climbed everything - climbable or not. I was dirty most of the time and I think I wore a dress once. ... Rosa keeps on asking me what's so bad about staying inside. ...I can't say. It's a life-style. ...And I truly believe children should be outside everyday.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
do you feel lucky?
A few days ago I read this terrible story in the NY Times about a 16-months-old child in Niger who just died of malnutrition. Nayla is 16 months old. :<
Just thinking about this makes me ache. As much as I wonder why I am so priviledged to be a mother who can give her children what they need, I am also grateful. This one thing I will never understand. The distribution of suffering. The one fight I'd ever pick with God. If I had to pick a fight, that is. ...That, and of course, the whole why does menstruation (and childbirth) have to be so f*in painful. ;)
but seriously, now..... here the letter I just send to as many friends I could fit in that field at the savethechildren website. Here it is to you:
------------------------------------
Guys,
If you have a few bucks to spare it would be really worth its value here. Donating takes 2 minutes and it can save lives.Too many children die. Too many people die. ...This world seems to never be in great shape....But at least we can make a little/big difference by sharing what we have (and how greatful I am for what I have).
www.savethechildren.org
sisi
Just thinking about this makes me ache. As much as I wonder why I am so priviledged to be a mother who can give her children what they need, I am also grateful. This one thing I will never understand. The distribution of suffering. The one fight I'd ever pick with God. If I had to pick a fight, that is. ...That, and of course, the whole why does menstruation (and childbirth) have to be so f*in painful. ;)
but seriously, now..... here the letter I just send to as many friends I could fit in that field at the savethechildren website. Here it is to you:
------------------------------------
Guys,
If you have a few bucks to spare it would be really worth its value here. Donating takes 2 minutes and it can save lives.Too many children die. Too many people die. ...This world seems to never be in great shape....But at least we can make a little/big difference by sharing what we have (and how greatful I am for what I have).
www.savethechildren.org
sisi
Monday, August 08, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
how to ask this delicate question
So, I've been really trying to avoid asking my downstairs neighbor if she is pregnant even though she totally looks/looked like it. The problem is, the woman is also a heavy-set lady and I didn't want to risk asking her if she is pregnant, when in fact she is still trying to get rid of the pregnancy-fat from her first child. God knows, I sympathize. I've actually been asked if I am pregnant... many many months after giving birth..thank you very much. >:<
It was enough that I had just a few weeks ago asked another neighbor (and..coop-board president...sigh) if she is expecting, when in fact she wasn't. Nice.
Anyway, so I thought, let me just not ask and wait until she is really obviously pregnant...if she is..and then ask her.
Unfortunately, it turns out there is no graceful way out ...or at least, I am not graceful. I got in the elevator with my downstairs neighbor's husband this evening. He was carrying a big aluminium tray so I asked him if they had a barbeque today. No, he says, ...it was a babyshower...for his wife.
Oooh, so she really is expecting! I said
Ehm, yeah, he grunted, very much so. She's due next month. A response which made me realize I might as well have been asking if his wife was pregnant or just very fat. :<
I suck.
It was enough that I had just a few weeks ago asked another neighbor (and..coop-board president...sigh) if she is expecting, when in fact she wasn't. Nice.
Anyway, so I thought, let me just not ask and wait until she is really obviously pregnant...if she is..and then ask her.
Unfortunately, it turns out there is no graceful way out ...or at least, I am not graceful. I got in the elevator with my downstairs neighbor's husband this evening. He was carrying a big aluminium tray so I asked him if they had a barbeque today. No, he says, ...it was a babyshower...for his wife.
Oooh, so she really is expecting! I said
Ehm, yeah, he grunted, very much so. She's due next month. A response which made me realize I might as well have been asking if his wife was pregnant or just very fat. :<
I suck.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
therapy on the horizon
so, Dario agreed (with clenching teeth) to a weekly therapy session. Of course, I would be the one who has to organize this but I can handle that. (Also, this will kill all of our savings...so, bye-bye vacation home.)
He still insists we could do this on our own ..we just need to communicate better....;) aaahh...the unrealistic idealism...
I just don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to become yet another divorce story. I saw this program the other day (on PBS "Secrets to a Long Relationship" or something like that) and one of those old ladies said something like: "People separate for the silliest reasons nowadays... a relationship is something you work on...you don't just bud out at the first sign of trouble..."
I also don't want to assimilate to the general trend of messing around. It is hard to keep this rather traditional view in this so unbelievably horny society. Sorry, I couldn't think of a better word than "horny" ... I wanted to say "liberal" but then that would mean I am not liberal, thus conservative, and I just can't bear to claim that. I also thought about describing this society as "open" but that's also not right, for there might be the "girls gone wild" and the south-beach excesses and all that sh*t but really...somebody shows a bare breast on TV and everybody freaks out.
It is weird that I am such a faithful person, for I truly don't believe in monogamy at all. I guess, my faithfulness has more to do with honesty, for that would mean I have to lie...which I (a) hate and (b) suck at.
He still insists we could do this on our own ..we just need to communicate better....;) aaahh...the unrealistic idealism...
I just don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to become yet another divorce story. I saw this program the other day (on PBS "Secrets to a Long Relationship" or something like that) and one of those old ladies said something like: "People separate for the silliest reasons nowadays... a relationship is something you work on...you don't just bud out at the first sign of trouble..."
I also don't want to assimilate to the general trend of messing around. It is hard to keep this rather traditional view in this so unbelievably horny society. Sorry, I couldn't think of a better word than "horny" ... I wanted to say "liberal" but then that would mean I am not liberal, thus conservative, and I just can't bear to claim that. I also thought about describing this society as "open" but that's also not right, for there might be the "girls gone wild" and the south-beach excesses and all that sh*t but really...somebody shows a bare breast on TV and everybody freaks out.
It is weird that I am such a faithful person, for I truly don't believe in monogamy at all. I guess, my faithfulness has more to do with honesty, for that would mean I have to lie...which I (a) hate and (b) suck at.
Monday, August 01, 2005
maia figuring out numbers (or not)
me: maia, you can play 10 more minutes.
maia: no,...how about a little more....how about 6 months and 48.
me: 48?
maia: yes, 48:48
me: oookayy....
****************
maia has a new watch (some plastic thing somebody gave her):
me: what time is it maia darlin'?
maia: it's 10.245. 38:38
me: ...ehm..well, thank you....
maia: no,...how about a little more....how about 6 months and 48.
me: 48?
maia: yes, 48:48
me: oookayy....
****************
maia has a new watch (some plastic thing somebody gave her):
me: what time is it maia darlin'?
maia: it's 10.245. 38:38
me: ...ehm..well, thank you....
husband refusing therapy
sh*t, I wish I had more time to think and blog...but since I don't, here
the letter I just wrote to Dario (I've been trying to convince him to go to a weekend therapy workshop with me, and he refuses with the excuse that he doesn't want to leave the girls behind) - so just in case,...this isn't a humorous blog-entry ..it is a stripped-bare entry:
I just would like to capture for posterity the fact that you refuse to go to therapy with me.
We cannot afford individual sessions and the combined workshops are only on the weekend.
You think all is fine (just like most men do - oblivious to the way their wife feels).
I am very close to moving into dangerous territory (i.e. opening my heart and my mind for new experiences outside of our marriage). I don't mean f*ing around, I mean opening my heart, which I have closed 10 years ago as to keep it with only you.
This is dangerous to our relationship but I have been unhappy for too long and you don't let me undertake my last attempt to improve this marriage -> therapy.
Therapy is a natural step in a long-term relationship. It is vital to this one and it is WAYYY over-due. I love you, truly ... but I am just so frustrated.
You don't hear me...you don't listen to me...you're negative, you're demanding, ...your communication sucks (i.e. you like to play the blame game, you are passive-aggressive...you name it... all detrimental to us and ultimately our family. I am aching inside as I am writing this...but I will not remain in an unhappy relationship forever.
We need to find a way to communicate better, understand each other better, respect each other, etc. etc. .... and we NEED a little help and some instructions.
You think I am doing this for fun? You think I want to sit in an intensive 2-day workshop and talk about relationships? This sucks as much for me as it sucks for you but I find it is inevitable and overdue.
I have faith in us. We have good material to work with. We love each other. We respect each other.
We love ourselves as a family with two wonderful little girls.
Going on a weekend trip with your wife doesn't mean you are leaving your children. Do you think it is easy for me to be separated from them overnight? I can't even sleep in the office (regardless how exhausted), just because it would mean separation. Something I can't say about you. How many times have you slept in the office? What about my trip to Cape Cod last summer? You were without your ladies for days.
And what about this summer? You seem to have no problem with the idea of me taking a vacation with the girls while you stay here. You seem to also be quite excited about any weekend trip you could be doing with John (once again, ...leaving your girls behind.)
So, please don't make them your excuse.
If anything...it will probably be much harder for me, for it will be the first time I am away since my 2-day trip to Cape Cod with Marta to wean Maia when she was 15 mo. old.
They will be in good hands. They are in these hands almost every day of the week.
love,
s.
PS: I know you try, and you are a sweet man, and I love you ...and you love me...and all...but it isn't enough in the long run, Dario. I am so frustrated with our daily life....we NEED a tune-up.
Besides, a weekend trip together will be good for the two of us....as a couple...(and I am not only talking about uninterrupted sex)..... it could be romantic.....that is if we don't rip each other's head off in the day's workshop (just kidding) ;)
xxxoxx
the letter I just wrote to Dario (I've been trying to convince him to go to a weekend therapy workshop with me, and he refuses with the excuse that he doesn't want to leave the girls behind) - so just in case,...this isn't a humorous blog-entry ..it is a stripped-bare entry:
I just would like to capture for posterity the fact that you refuse to go to therapy with me.
We cannot afford individual sessions and the combined workshops are only on the weekend.
You think all is fine (just like most men do - oblivious to the way their wife feels).
I am very close to moving into dangerous territory (i.e. opening my heart and my mind for new experiences outside of our marriage). I don't mean f*ing around, I mean opening my heart, which I have closed 10 years ago as to keep it with only you.
This is dangerous to our relationship but I have been unhappy for too long and you don't let me undertake my last attempt to improve this marriage -> therapy.
Therapy is a natural step in a long-term relationship. It is vital to this one and it is WAYYY over-due. I love you, truly ... but I am just so frustrated.
You don't hear me...you don't listen to me...you're negative, you're demanding, ...your communication sucks (i.e. you like to play the blame game, you are passive-aggressive...you name it... all detrimental to us and ultimately our family. I am aching inside as I am writing this...but I will not remain in an unhappy relationship forever.
We need to find a way to communicate better, understand each other better, respect each other, etc. etc. .... and we NEED a little help and some instructions.
You think I am doing this for fun? You think I want to sit in an intensive 2-day workshop and talk about relationships? This sucks as much for me as it sucks for you but I find it is inevitable and overdue.
I have faith in us. We have good material to work with. We love each other. We respect each other.
We love ourselves as a family with two wonderful little girls.
Going on a weekend trip with your wife doesn't mean you are leaving your children. Do you think it is easy for me to be separated from them overnight? I can't even sleep in the office (regardless how exhausted), just because it would mean separation. Something I can't say about you. How many times have you slept in the office? What about my trip to Cape Cod last summer? You were without your ladies for days.
And what about this summer? You seem to have no problem with the idea of me taking a vacation with the girls while you stay here. You seem to also be quite excited about any weekend trip you could be doing with John (once again, ...leaving your girls behind.)
So, please don't make them your excuse.
If anything...it will probably be much harder for me, for it will be the first time I am away since my 2-day trip to Cape Cod with Marta to wean Maia when she was 15 mo. old.
They will be in good hands. They are in these hands almost every day of the week.
love,
s.
PS: I know you try, and you are a sweet man, and I love you ...and you love me...and all...but it isn't enough in the long run, Dario. I am so frustrated with our daily life....we NEED a tune-up.
Besides, a weekend trip together will be good for the two of us....as a couple...(and I am not only talking about uninterrupted sex)..... it could be romantic.....that is if we don't rip each other's head off in the day's workshop (just kidding) ;)
xxxoxx
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Imago Therapy Concepts
so, I'm reading this book "Getting the Love You Want" by this star therapist (H.Hendrix), which by the way is possibly the best example for the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" -> I mean, by giving the book such a desperate title, they already lose the entire male readership, and I must tell you, if my mother (who is a family therapist) wouldn't have strongly recommended this book (and the therapy method it discusses), I would have never even taken it off the shelf.
So, I am going through quite some embarrassing maneuveurs trying to hide the title when I pull out the book in public. People might think I'm reading porn or something ...that's how secretive I take the book out of my bag...always careful to hide the cover.
Anyway, I just wanted to write down a few interesting concepts Hendrix brings up in his apparently very successful therapy method (Imago Relationship Therapy).
One, which I found most intriguing is the analysis that when we avoid our partners (with all kinds of excuses) we unconsciously avoid anxiety. But not just any kind of anxiety. Let me quote, for I am really bad at this whole paraphrasing sh*t:
"The other reason couples avoid intimacy is fear, specifically the fear of pain. On an unconscious level, many people react to their partners as if they were enemies. Any person - whether parent or partner or next-door neighbor - who is perceived by the old brain to be a source of need gratification and then appears to be withholding that gratification is cataloged by the old brain as a source of pain, and that raises the specter of death. If your partner does not nurture you and attend to your fundamental needs, a part of you fears that you will die, and it believes that your partner is the one who is allowing this to happen.
[...] In most cases the fear of the partner is unconscious. All that couples are aware of is a mild feeling of anxiety around each other and a desire to be with other people or to be involved in other activities." (p. 109)
He mentions that we have to train our brains to deal with change. When our relationships change and we are required to adapt and assume new roles we feel like we're losing our personality (i.e. we think we're dying). What we have to realize is that there are different stages in life, which sometimes require us to change our behaviors and habits. Change isn't necessarily negative (it is so subjective and temporary). Change means we are growing...
So, I am going through quite some embarrassing maneuveurs trying to hide the title when I pull out the book in public. People might think I'm reading porn or something ...that's how secretive I take the book out of my bag...always careful to hide the cover.
Anyway, I just wanted to write down a few interesting concepts Hendrix brings up in his apparently very successful therapy method (Imago Relationship Therapy).
One, which I found most intriguing is the analysis that when we avoid our partners (with all kinds of excuses) we unconsciously avoid anxiety. But not just any kind of anxiety. Let me quote, for I am really bad at this whole paraphrasing sh*t:
"The other reason couples avoid intimacy is fear, specifically the fear of pain. On an unconscious level, many people react to their partners as if they were enemies. Any person - whether parent or partner or next-door neighbor - who is perceived by the old brain to be a source of need gratification and then appears to be withholding that gratification is cataloged by the old brain as a source of pain, and that raises the specter of death. If your partner does not nurture you and attend to your fundamental needs, a part of you fears that you will die, and it believes that your partner is the one who is allowing this to happen.
[...] In most cases the fear of the partner is unconscious. All that couples are aware of is a mild feeling of anxiety around each other and a desire to be with other people or to be involved in other activities." (p. 109)
He mentions that we have to train our brains to deal with change. When our relationships change and we are required to adapt and assume new roles we feel like we're losing our personality (i.e. we think we're dying). What we have to realize is that there are different stages in life, which sometimes require us to change our behaviors and habits. Change isn't necessarily negative (it is so subjective and temporary). Change means we are growing...
Thursday, July 14, 2005
bitching just to bitch
so I've been sucked into Dario's house-hunting fever for a few weeks and only recently came back to my senses. what is it with me? this man ...or this relationship...has really had much more influence over my persona than I'd like to admit. our partners hold a not always tangible but quite effective power over us and vice versa, of course.
didn't I only a few months ago despise the idea of having a house? all the extra work, extra costs, and the whole commuting thing... I hate commuting...at least, when there is traffic...and let's face it ...there is always f'ing traffic. why am I so eager to leave the city to start my conservative life.... family with house, two kids and two cars.... I'm 30 years old...am I supposed to be doing this sh*t already? I'll be "old" in two seconds....
and what makes me think that Dario will suddenly change his habits and become super-husband ...or at least traditional-husband, who comes home after work to continue working on and around the house (as opposed to playing videogames online for the rest of the evening ..... can you tell I'm a bit sensitive on the subject at the moment).
It took Dario about a year to put up the curtain rods. The ceiling fan still isn't assembled (and we've moved in 2 years ago)....and just in general - any request I have takes him about 4-52 weeks (on average) to complete. And God forbid, I try to take things into my own hands. For example, the picture shelves I finally put up by the entrance wall. I had been waiting for months and so one day I said "f-it. I'm goin' in". The next day, I catch Dario reinstalling the shelves behind my back. Apparently, I didn't use the level or something.
anyway, I'm just bitching to bitch tonight.
I really just want to go out and get stoned (now that I FINALLY can -> not nursing, not pregnant, free free free:) but none of my friends are to be found. I was just gonna rollerblade around the block but then Dario decided he needed to finally go visit his mother (after many weeks of not doing so).....thus, I am now stuck at home....the usual.
Time to put Maia to sleep. She's a cute one, though. I ought to write down the things she says nowadays.
...later.
didn't I only a few months ago despise the idea of having a house? all the extra work, extra costs, and the whole commuting thing... I hate commuting...at least, when there is traffic...and let's face it ...there is always f'ing traffic. why am I so eager to leave the city to start my conservative life.... family with house, two kids and two cars.... I'm 30 years old...am I supposed to be doing this sh*t already? I'll be "old" in two seconds....
and what makes me think that Dario will suddenly change his habits and become super-husband ...or at least traditional-husband, who comes home after work to continue working on and around the house (as opposed to playing videogames online for the rest of the evening ..... can you tell I'm a bit sensitive on the subject at the moment).
It took Dario about a year to put up the curtain rods. The ceiling fan still isn't assembled (and we've moved in 2 years ago)....and just in general - any request I have takes him about 4-52 weeks (on average) to complete. And God forbid, I try to take things into my own hands. For example, the picture shelves I finally put up by the entrance wall. I had been waiting for months and so one day I said "f-it. I'm goin' in". The next day, I catch Dario reinstalling the shelves behind my back. Apparently, I didn't use the level or something.
anyway, I'm just bitching to bitch tonight.
I really just want to go out and get stoned (now that I FINALLY can -> not nursing, not pregnant, free free free:) but none of my friends are to be found. I was just gonna rollerblade around the block but then Dario decided he needed to finally go visit his mother (after many weeks of not doing so).....thus, I am now stuck at home....the usual.
Time to put Maia to sleep. She's a cute one, though. I ought to write down the things she says nowadays.
...later.
stereo-typical husband complaints and attempt to analyze
I'm not feeling well. I don't know how many times I said this sentence this evening but I sure know how many times it was ignored. Every single time.
I mean, what is it? Do I really need to walk in the door and say I am feeling bad and I ain't doing sh*t tonight. So, don't even come ask me? ... well, I suppose, I could make it a bit more diplomatic and still equally direct but WHY? Isn't it enough to say "I am not feeling well" (about 10-15 times)?
Anyway, it was ignored. No why-s, no what-do-you-need, no let-me-take-care-of-the-kids-tonight.
Is it that we are so used to hearing each other complain that we just tune it out... almost like a self-defense-mechanism? Complaining about our daily chores is about just as effective as putting on the guilt-trip or playing the blame-game. It's just destructive.
But I try to control such behavior ... and tonight was a legitimate request for help. Why do I have to spell it out? I don't want to do this.
I want the man on my side to be receptive enough...to be sensitive enough... to take charge....to ....ahhh what am I saying.... there is no perfect man. It's either this or single..... and I must say...single is sounding pretty good to me lately.
I am just getting to a new phase of being annoyed by unorganized, videogames-playing, laundry-producing, buying-crap-on-ebay (1968 MonteCarlo without seats!??!), never-listening-to-anything-I-say husband-behavior.
I mean, what is it? Do I really need to walk in the door and say I am feeling bad and I ain't doing sh*t tonight. So, don't even come ask me? ... well, I suppose, I could make it a bit more diplomatic and still equally direct but WHY? Isn't it enough to say "I am not feeling well" (about 10-15 times)?
Anyway, it was ignored. No why-s, no what-do-you-need, no let-me-take-care-of-the-kids-tonight.
Is it that we are so used to hearing each other complain that we just tune it out... almost like a self-defense-mechanism? Complaining about our daily chores is about just as effective as putting on the guilt-trip or playing the blame-game. It's just destructive.
But I try to control such behavior ... and tonight was a legitimate request for help. Why do I have to spell it out? I don't want to do this.
I want the man on my side to be receptive enough...to be sensitive enough... to take charge....to ....ahhh what am I saying.... there is no perfect man. It's either this or single..... and I must say...single is sounding pretty good to me lately.
I am just getting to a new phase of being annoyed by unorganized, videogames-playing, laundry-producing, buying-crap-on-ebay (1968 MonteCarlo without seats!??!), never-listening-to-anything-I-say husband-behavior.
Monday, July 11, 2005
whatever happened to emancipation?
you know it's a shame that I get back online (after having been cut off) just when I've finally worked through the past few days of being really upset about the London bombings only to bitch about Beyonce's (or Destiny's Child's) new song in which the chorus goes something like this:
baby, let me bring me your slippers, make your dinner, take of your clothes,comb your hair and so much more... baby let me take care of you...my life is in your hands....and so much more..
What kind of bullshit role-modelling is this? Pop-stars need to realize the power they have over the minds of their young audiences.
... listen to me..I must be getting old.... (I still like 50-cent, though...I just ignore the cursing and focus on the sexy ;)
ok. have to get back to work.
baby, let me bring me your slippers, make your dinner, take of your clothes,comb your hair and so much more... baby let me take care of you...my life is in your hands....and so much more..
What kind of bullshit role-modelling is this? Pop-stars need to realize the power they have over the minds of their young audiences.
... listen to me..I must be getting old.... (I still like 50-cent, though...I just ignore the cursing and focus on the sexy ;)
ok. have to get back to work.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
It’s because you’re white
Today I got my daughter signed into a summer program of a pre-school Rosa had been trying to get her son into for months. They have been causing her great pain with all their strict policies and no-exceptions administration. Since the child care center is part of a CUNY college, they usually only accept students within their system. When Maia’s usual daycare center unexpectedly cancelled the summer session, I took a chance and gave them a call. On their website it said that in the summer months they’d maybe make an exception and take students from other CUNY colleges, if there is space.
Rosa is now totally pissed. She had been on the waiting list for a year or more. When she tried to register for a class at the school they were giving her hell because she couldn’t produce every transcript from every single school she ever went to. The fact that she graduated from Fordham (i.e. has transcripts and degree) didn't seem to matter. They wanted everything before they’d let her sign up for a class… and policy at the daycare center is that the child’s parent is a student at the college.
She was so mad that it took me only a phone call and a few easy documents that she swore they let me in because I’m white. And that comment just really pissed me off. First of all, I might look white but I don’t like to be thrown into a pot. I’m a half Arab raised Muslim in a country which is 98% Catholic (Austria), moved from there straight to the Bronx where I once again was the only outsider in a sea of Latinos. So, don’t tell me about discrimination or privilege. I know it when it hits me. I’ve been discriminated against many times. The reason I dyed my hair from blonde to black after moving here, was so that I could finally fit in better. And I can tell you, the way people treated me improved tremendously.
I hate fucking racism. I hate getting or not getting anything because of what I might look like. Of course, I’ve also experienced the other side of this story, where I had a strong feeling I got a break because I look/am Caucasian and the other person is, too.
This is a loaded argument and so it was for us fighting it out all evening but Rosa sounds more White-American (and she is Puerto Rican) than I do. She grew up here, went to Fordham, …her pronunciation is accent-free, …. As opposed to mine; People often think I am Latino (over the phone) because that’s the accent I picked up after coming here. I moved straight into the Bronx… and for a long time I sounded really freakin’ street. I can control this better now… mostly because I have broadened my circle of friends and am more aware of my diction but before I used to always fool people over the phone. I could see the surprise in their faces when they’d meet me after only having spoken to me on the phone.
This is what happened in this situation. I called them (the child care center) first. So, if anything, she might have given me a break because I sounded like a fellow-Latino…. But, truly, I don’t think any of this racial crap was an issue. Yes, I often am too idealistic but not everything is an issue of discrimination… especially not in New York City.
I am not trying to say there is no discrimination here. I have plenty of black friends who can sing me a song of this but you can’t throw this explanation at every situation which you find irrational or unfair. Sometimes it is just that. Irrational or unfair. Like my temporary admission to the summer session. The girl I spoke to seemed scatter-brained and somehow I got lucky. It is only the summer and they even say on their website that things are a bit more lenient during those sessions.
Rosa telling me this, was like telling a black person that they only got the job they applied for because they’re black (->Affirmative Action). That sh*t pisses me off, too. I just think, this just doesn’t apply anymore….OK, maybe elsewhere in this country ...but not in NYC…... or does it??
Rosa is now totally pissed. She had been on the waiting list for a year or more. When she tried to register for a class at the school they were giving her hell because she couldn’t produce every transcript from every single school she ever went to. The fact that she graduated from Fordham (i.e. has transcripts and degree) didn't seem to matter. They wanted everything before they’d let her sign up for a class… and policy at the daycare center is that the child’s parent is a student at the college.
She was so mad that it took me only a phone call and a few easy documents that she swore they let me in because I’m white. And that comment just really pissed me off. First of all, I might look white but I don’t like to be thrown into a pot. I’m a half Arab raised Muslim in a country which is 98% Catholic (Austria), moved from there straight to the Bronx where I once again was the only outsider in a sea of Latinos. So, don’t tell me about discrimination or privilege. I know it when it hits me. I’ve been discriminated against many times. The reason I dyed my hair from blonde to black after moving here, was so that I could finally fit in better. And I can tell you, the way people treated me improved tremendously.
I hate fucking racism. I hate getting or not getting anything because of what I might look like. Of course, I’ve also experienced the other side of this story, where I had a strong feeling I got a break because I look/am Caucasian and the other person is, too.
This is a loaded argument and so it was for us fighting it out all evening but Rosa sounds more White-American (and she is Puerto Rican) than I do. She grew up here, went to Fordham, …her pronunciation is accent-free, …. As opposed to mine; People often think I am Latino (over the phone) because that’s the accent I picked up after coming here. I moved straight into the Bronx… and for a long time I sounded really freakin’ street. I can control this better now… mostly because I have broadened my circle of friends and am more aware of my diction but before I used to always fool people over the phone. I could see the surprise in their faces when they’d meet me after only having spoken to me on the phone.
This is what happened in this situation. I called them (the child care center) first. So, if anything, she might have given me a break because I sounded like a fellow-Latino…. But, truly, I don’t think any of this racial crap was an issue. Yes, I often am too idealistic but not everything is an issue of discrimination… especially not in New York City.
I am not trying to say there is no discrimination here. I have plenty of black friends who can sing me a song of this but you can’t throw this explanation at every situation which you find irrational or unfair. Sometimes it is just that. Irrational or unfair. Like my temporary admission to the summer session. The girl I spoke to seemed scatter-brained and somehow I got lucky. It is only the summer and they even say on their website that things are a bit more lenient during those sessions.
Rosa telling me this, was like telling a black person that they only got the job they applied for because they’re black (->Affirmative Action). That sh*t pisses me off, too. I just think, this just doesn’t apply anymore….OK, maybe elsewhere in this country ...but not in NYC…... or does it??
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
you know you're tired when...
know you're tired when...
- you put hairgel on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste (I now keep those tubes separate...who uses hairgel anymore, anyway.).
- you put two plates on the table because you've toasted two pieces of bread.
- you talk into your walkie-talkie without pressing the button and then wonder for like a minute or two why the other person doesn't respond to you.
- you can't respond to simple question with answers related to the topic:
e.g.: question: Are you done with the sub-pages of the webreport?
answer: yeah, I press this button over here.
..to be continued when have more sleep
- you put hairgel on your toothbrush instead of toothpaste (I now keep those tubes separate...who uses hairgel anymore, anyway.).
- you put two plates on the table because you've toasted two pieces of bread.
- you talk into your walkie-talkie without pressing the button and then wonder for like a minute or two why the other person doesn't respond to you.
- you can't respond to simple question with answers related to the topic:
e.g.: question: Are you done with the sub-pages of the webreport?
answer: yeah, I press this button over here.
..to be continued when have more sleep
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